Livelihood

I’m sitting here, wondering about the tediousness of my job. If I changed my mindset, I could opt to see this differently, I think. This job defines what I do to pay my bills, but it doesn’t portray what I love or who I am as a person. I remind myself that I am here by choice, and at the moment, necessity. It contributes to my life via the connections I make and the freedom to buy stuff on a whim. It helps me to pay off debt, pay toward B’s situation, and pay for the day-to-day musts like whole, organic foods. My dilemma is it doesn’t feed my spirit or talk to my heart, but neither does doing laundry. I feel like I’m making little difference in the big scheme, like what I do touches no one. Hunny’s job makes a difference in many lives, and that’s why I think he loves it so much.

I wanted to tone things down with my Flickr account, but when I’m at work, I find myself referring to it often (probably for inspiration), which makes me want to step it back up. It inspires me – looking at my own stuff, and that of others. Being inspired and being creative are things that move me like nothing else.

I want to love more, give more and laugh more.

I need to do Kegal exercises, cleanse and do yoga.

There are aspects of me that hunger for more, literally. And I think a symptom is always feeling hungry; as if there’s an endless void to fill. This could be symbolic of something. Or I just have an insatiable appetite due to my food choices. Or, it could be linked to an oral fixation due to stress. Or a combination of all ... I just don’t know.

People at work speak harshly of the new employee. It makes me uncomfortable; anytime we speak harshly of someone, it says something of our character, does it not? But comparisons and judgment of others are normal to our nature, so why should it bother me. Why should I desire to go against our nature? We fear what we don’t understand and what we deem different from ourselves, and our fear makes us defensive and critical.

I went to visit Hunny at work last night and felt myself fixated on the pretty, nude bodies around. I wasn’t bothered so much by it, but Hunny seemed uncomfortable with my seeing it. Every time I went to gaze, he would try to divert my attention elsewhere. He could have done it either because he believed I would become insecure, or because he was afraid I would become critical. What I was, was observant. The look on many of the girls’ faces were lifeless and dazed. We are sexual creatures by nature, but maybe the natural dynamics change into something contrived and forced once it becomes your source of livelihood – like anything else, I suppose. Perhaps I have that lifeless, dazed look on my face walking around my source of livelihood, I don’t know.

I like today’s Daily Motivator:

Monday, April 14, 2008

TO BE ALIVE

Give for the sake of giving. Love for the sake of love.

Live for the sake of living. Learn just because you can.

Don't fill the future with ambiguous motives or imagined fears. Fill the moment you're in with the extraordinary richness of ordinary life.

This day is a gift that you've never had before. Jump in and explore the exquisite treasure that is right now at your feet.

Life's beauty appears at exactly the place where you choose to see it. Choose to see the beauty and value of whatever situation you find yourself experiencing.

Listen to the part of you that resonates with life's true and never ending goodness. Experience again and again, in a new way each time, what it means to be alive.

-- Ralph Marston